A good friend of mine and I often get into debates. Sometimes, they’re about silly things, like what constitutes a weird question. Other times, they’re about super serious things, like Biblical interpretation. Oftentimes, I enjoy these arguments, mostly because I like it when someone challenges my way of thinking. Sure, I get red in the face and screaming mad when they do it, but that’s okay because I know that I’m learning how the other side thinks and what commonalities and good points there are. Plus, in having to defend my point of view, I learn how I truly feel and what things I only say because I think that’s how I SHOULD feel. The debates have never gotten TOO heated, and, as far as I can tell, no one’s feelings have been hurt or anything like that. I usually end up changing my opinion at least a little bit after she gives me new information. There’s one subject, however, that I’m sure we could debate until we’re both blue in the face and neither of us will budge: the proper way to ask out a girl.
Some of our points of contention deal with medium: is asking someone out via text worse than asking them out through email? Are either acceptable ever? How do you ask someone out in person if you don’t know when you’ll see them next? Others tackle language: do you use the word “date” when asking, or do you just let your actions do the talking for you when you’re there? How do you even know it’s a date if you don’t use the word date? Others still involve behavior and intent: if I open your doors, pull out your chair, and pay for dinner, is that enough of a hint that we’re on a date? All of these arguments remain on the tame side, for, while they’re interesting, they’re not THAT big of a deal. No, the argument that actually makes me a bit mad is on roles. As a straight girl, she really likes it when guys ask her out, to the point that she will consider not dating you if you can’t at least do that one simple thing. Therefore, when she gives me dating advice, she fusses over me not making any moves or being too afraid to ask a girl out. After trying to come up with every logical argument I can make other than being totally honest (I’m too scared to do it), I inevitably reach the same conclusion every time: “I mean, she could do it, right? If she liked me, wouldn’t she just ask me out?”
This is a cop out. I’m fully aware of that. It is entirely possible that the other person may in fact like me and be just as big of a chicken as I am. I could (and probably should) just grow a back bone and ask out whoever I want to ask out, as it’s a question with two answers, and something that simple doesn’t deserve that much energy devoted to it. Still, it brings out an interesting point: why is it MY job? For that matter, why is it the GUY’s job to ask the girl out? Why does anyone subscribe to this notion, and how exactly does that work when it’s two girls?
I once read in a book that the definition of a lesbian bar is a room full of women, standing around and drinking, waiting for someone else to ask them to dance. If that’s the case, does that mean that there are enough women out there who subscribe to this idea that girls don’t ask, they accept? It has to have some truth to it, as it was in a book of jokes, and it wouldn’t be funny if it weren’t at least a little bit true. Look at what that says, though; girls, by default, are afraid to do the asking. Well, not everyone is afraid. Some people just expect that others are going to ask. Some take it to the point that they will judge you for NOT asking. This is a bit of a mess. What’s even worse is that, to some extent, I play into it.
Why don’t I ask people out? Truth is, I do. A good majority of the time, I do. I’m so used to being the person who does the asking that the last time someone asked me out, I was so caught off-guard that I almost forgot to say yes. That person was a man. The last time a girl asked me out was several years ago. Since then, I’ve tried and tried and tried, with both men and women. The women, though, are what get me every time. With guys, they say yes or no. When they say no, they’re usually really nice about it. The girls, on the other hand, don’t say no. They ignore you. They say yes, and then cancel at the last minute, only to never speak to you again. They pretend to not know what you asked them on was a date. They genuinely don’t know what you asked them on was a date. Sure, I usually do the asking, but at this point, it wouldn’t hurt to be asked for a change. At least that way I know that the woman likes me. I could stop worrying about someone being shy or not interested for a change (because when the person you’re attracted to makes ambiguous moves and doesn’t ask you out, it can be hard to tell). Instead, I get mixed signals. I get rejected. I give up.
“Well, you should’ve known I was interested,” I’ve heard. “I was sending every ‘yes’ signal there is.” Sadly, I have to admit that I’ve used that line before. If I behave in a certain way, if I show up certain places, if I do certain things, you should be able to figure out that all I really want to do is be with you, right? Well, maybe, but I say this knowing full and well that, if someone showered me with a billion yes signals and didn’t hit me over the head, I would find a way to talk myself down. They don’t like me, we just have similar interests. They need my help with this. They’re just really flirty. I’m about as clueless as you can get, and yet I sometimes try to give hints to others in hopes that they’ll realize because…I’m too nervous to just come out with it? Yeah, no, hanging around and being extra nice and always offering to pay for things and trying to seem like the sweetest person ever, that’s going to be far more effective at getting myself a date than actually admitting any attraction whatsoever. In case you were wondering, that has NEVER worked. No one should be surprised.
I’m not asking for marriage. I’m not even looking for marriage. All I want is one stupid date, and usually I only want it when I meet someone worth going out with (while I do complain about being single, the truth is I’d rather be single than with someone just to be with them). It’s a date. You go out and have coffee or food or maybe see a movie. You go for a walk. You talk about things. It’s not the end of the world. Nothing will be different if the person says no. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal…until I get asked why I haven’t asked someone out. For some reason, I can convince myself that I’m better off not trying and therefore not knowing than getting an answer and getting over it if I don’t like the answer (and I always get over it. Everyone gets over it, because, as I said, it’s not actually a big deal). That way, I can pretend it isn’t my fault, it’s theirs for not asking me.
None of this takes into consideration, however, the impact of rejection. One person says no, I can assume that perhaps the issue is with you. Ten people say no, I’m almost certain the issue is me. Is something wrong with me? Am I THAT annoying? Do I smell? All of those wonderful thoughts you had when you were at a middle school dance come back to haunt you, except now you feel extra bad about it because you’re a grown up and grown ups are supposed to be confident or something. You can look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re awesome all you want, but after making tons of calls and getting tons of rejections, it’s pretty hard to convince yourself of that anymore. So, you stop trying, because not knowing and missing a potential chance is better than having one more person tell you no. You give up on girls for some random period of time. I’ve given up on girls before. It never lasted very long because I would ultimately meet a girl who somehow convinced me that perhaps girls were worth not giving up. I would perk up, until I remembered what happened all those other times, and then notice that for someone who has such great chemistry with me, she sure was doing an awful job of asking me out, therefore she must not want to go out with me. And the saga continues.
So, where does that leave us? Girls don’t ask other girls out because they fear rejection, get nervous, or are convinced that someone should ask them out. Those girls that do ask other girls out are met with mixed signals and unanswered calls. That sounds awfully bleak. There must be a situation in which things work out, right? Why yes, yes there is. For as frustrating as this whole thing can be, by sticking your neck out every once in a while, you sometimes get a yes. Sometimes that yes turns into a second date, maybe a third. Sometimes they turn into relationships. Sometimes they turn into happiness, and you forget why you were ever scared in the first place. In the end, because you were brave enough to ask a simple yes or no question, you found someone to be happy with. Seems like an awfully nice scenario to result from a 50/50 chance, especially considering that the other scenario is that life goes on as usual.
Back to my friend, she had to learn a bit of her own lesson. She found someone she was interested in, but who wasn’t doing a very good job of pursuing her. Happy to be able to dish her advice back at her, I told her to ask him out. She wasn’t keen on the idea, but she did it. Things progressed slowly, but now they’re dating. I’m super happy for them, and now, every time I try to pull the “but why can’t they just ask me?” line, I get told that I should just do it, as that’s what I told her to do, and look how well it worked out! I will always hope that the girl I’m interested in asks me out. I will always be impressed when someone has the guts to do it. Still, at the end of the day, I know that, if there’s someone I want, I can’t blame her for not asking me. I have to give it a shot, even though I’m kind of awkward, even though it makes me nervous, even though she could say no. If I meet someone who I like enough to want to date, the least I can do is prove she’s worth it by getting past one fear, right? So, call me. If you don’t, I may just call you.
