This month, I’ve been coming out as things that have been way harder to talk about than the whole being Bi thing. Well, it’s the last week of the month, and I have a confession to make. I have a hard time talking about it. Sure, I can talk about liking boys and liking girls. I can wax religion until the cows come home. I can tell you my most embarrassing moments, (most) of my biggest fears, and even my ridiculously pathetic dating history, but there’s one thing I have trouble saying. I tell people in real life all the time, I’m okay with who I am, but it’s still really hard to say and even harder to deal with. Still, I have this last confession to make…later.
People are all different. They make different decisions, different personal choices in their lives. Some people are vegans. For health reasons, for moral reasons, for whatever reason they’ve come up with, they avoid all animal products. It’s nothing to make fun of them for, it’s nothing to disrespect them for; it should be something to admire. It takes discipline and conviction. I’m not a vegan, though.
People have to be allowed to figure out what’s right for them. Some people make the choice to go to college, some don’t. It’s not that going or not going is good or bad; the decision may be good or bad for a specific person. The world needs teachers and plumbers and biologists and hairstylists and we’re all called to do different things. As long as we’re doing what feels right for us, I think it’s okay. I’m not all that worried about that, though.
Okay, so what exactly am I saying? I feel like I should be able to make decisions that feel right for me, and I feel like I shouldn’t be disrespected. What could be such a big deal? Why do I feel like I’m about to be given a hard time, so much so that I’m already defending myself? Here goes: I’m a virgin.
I feel better now. Wait, no I don’t.
People, adults and society mostly, tell you not to have sex when you’re too young. They’re right. You should wait until you feel ready and are old enough and responsible enough to handle the reactions and consequences, both physically and emotionally. You should never rush yourself, you should never pressure yourself, and you should never let someone else pressure you. That’s what I did; I refused to allow anyone to make me do anything I wasn’t ready to do. I did (or didn’t do) what was right for me. It was my decision, my body, and no one was going to tell me what to do.
That doesn’t mean people haven’t given me a hard time. “It’s not such a big deal, why not just do it?” “No one will go out with you if you’re not having sex.” “What the hell is wrong with you?” I’ve been called weird, I’ve been called a prude, I’ve been called a freak. I’ve been told guys will never date me (they don’t, anyway, and the rejection comes long before this comes up). I’ve been told girls will never date me (I’ve actually never had a girl break up with me over this. Also, girls won’t really date me either). I’ve been told I secretly want to and am just being stupid about it, that I need to loosen up. I resent all of the above.
What really kills me is that people assume things. Most people think it’s a religious thing. Yeah, I’m a religious person, which means I was taught to respect God and myself. Part of respecting myself is respecting my body and mind and listening to them. Thing is, even without religion, I’d still want to listen. I let people think it’s a religious issue because it’s easier than explaining, but it’s really not. My religion taught me to make healthy sexual choices, and having sex can be as healthy of a choice as not having sex. It’s so much more complicated than do this/don’t do this. Others assume I’m afraid. Isn’t everyone? People get nervous about things, they take things seriously and stress out over them. It’s not like a spider in the dark kind of fear (I’m way more scared of spiders); it’s a natural apprehension of the unknown. Still others think I’m just prudish or anti-sex. Those people just aren’t paying attention.
The worst part is, in getting so much crap, I have to defend myself. I have to stand proudly and declare that I like who I am. I have to have, dare I say, Virgin Pride. This is like coming out, but things are harder. If I meet a girl, no one bats an eye. If I switch to a boy, it’s expected. When you climb atop the virginity soapbox, getting off can be complicated. You spend so much time standing up for it that, if you change your mind or meet that person you want to share this thing with, people call you a hypocrite. You may feel like a phony, like all this time you were just idling and now it was for nothing. Thing is, if you decide to have sex and you’ve waited, it was for something. There was a reason you waited and there’s a (hopefully good) reason you aren’t waiting anymore. People may give you a hard time, but they were already doing that. They don’t understand where you’re coming from. Just be yourself and do what’s right for you.
What strikes me is how many people have shown admiration when I’ve told them this. Sure, when I came out, lots of people showed me love and respect, but when I say I still have my V card, they’re actually impressed. I know a lot of people who wish they had waited, wished they hadn’t felt pressured or pushed by society. They would have done things differently. They feel like they should have more discipline. I don’t feel particularly disciplined, but I understand what they mean. We all make decisions, not good or bad, just decisions. I don’t care if my friends have sex or not, just like I hope they don’t care if I have sex or not. As long as we’re all being smart and healthy, I think our personal choices are ours.
I’ve made it to the end of this without ever really saying why I’m a virgin. I don’t feel the need to tell you. It’s not really anyone’s business but my own and those I choose to share it with (although I probably will tell you if you ask. It’s amazing how few people ever just ask). Will I stay a virgin forever? No. When the time is right, when it feels right, it’ll happen, but not a moment sooner. I’ll do what’s right for me, and I hope you’ll do what’s right for you. No one should make you feel bad about who you’re attracted to and how you choose to express or not express that attraction. I keep using the word healthy because that’s what it’s about. Healthy decisions are wise decisions. It can be just as unhealthy to abstain as it can be to engage in sexual activity; it just depends on the reasons. So, if you’re reading this and you’ve made decisions that are right for you, whatever they are, stand up and be proud. I’m nearly twenty-five, I’m a virgin, and I’m okay with that. When it changes, I’ll be okay with that. In the long run, regardless of what people say, it’s okay. As I say in real life, I’mma do what I do.
I don’t feel like society pressured me to have sex. I feel like my body did. I like sex. I enjoy sex. I always did. And the decision wasn’t one I made because I was waiting or not waiting. I made it because the moment came up and it felt good. I’m not happy with who the person was, but I don’t regret having sex in the first place.
Everyone has a different reason for when they choose to lose the big V. I just didn’t think about it until it came up.
Right on. Like I said, as long as we’re making decisions that are good for us, we’re okay.