Never Going Back Again

I'm told the 5th anniversary gift should be "wood".

Five years ago today, I made the very important decision to come out.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  A few months beforehand, I came out to myself.  I then came out to a couple of friends, and then I came out to a couple more.  I told more and more people, each time just as scary as the last.  I didn’t like doing it, but at the same time, it intrigued me.  I COULD come out.  I had a secret to tell.  I was, for the first time in my mind, interesting.  Something deep inside me, something that I should have recognized many years before, had awoken, and it was present and it was fiery and it was real.  I had a power, and with great power comes great responsibility.  So, I told one person, but I made them swear to keep it a secret.  Then, I told another, but they had to keep it a secret as well.  I picked and chose who could know at what time, and I asked that they all respect my privacy.  They all did.  Every single person I told knew they had a responsibility, too, and did not take it lightly.  Eventually, though, I knew that a day had to come when this would end.  I had to stop hiding from some people and silencing others.  I couldn’t be afraid anymore.  So, five years ago today, I made the very important decision to come out.  To everyone.

What I’ve learned in the past five years of being an out bisexual woman is that I still have a responsibility.  When I wake up in the morning, when I shove a shirt over my head and stumble out the door to class, when I wipe the sleep out of my eyes before work, I am responsible for more than just myself.  With each person I talk to and come out to, I am responsible for those they have met who have not come out and for those who have as well.  Yeah, sure, I’m an individual; how can I be responsible for someone besides myself?  Ask my mother that question when has to listen to someone use a derogatory term for GLBTQ people while I’m in the room.  Ask my pastor that question when someone asks him how God can love, y’know, everyone.  Ask my coworker who has to react when someone says “that’s gay!”.  As human beings, as members of a community, we all are responsible for the well-being of others.  I look back on my life, at the people I love and the people who love me, at the strangers I have yet to meet and the ones I never will, and I KNOW I am responsible.  I know I must.

I’m responsible for the children I’ve worked with.  The ones who know who they are and the ones who are trying to figure it out and the ones who don’t even have that twinkle in their eye just yet, they are all mine.  When I stand up and say who I am, I teach them a lesson.  I show them that it is okay to not just BE queer, it’s okay to SAY you’re queer.  It’s okay to live your life in such a way that others will know.  I show them that one can go from being a child or a teenager to an adult and live to tell.  No, they’re not confused or going through a phase or being coerced or whatever bullshit lie someone has fed them.  It is entirely possible to be a GLBTQ kid and grow up to be a happy, healthy, well-adjusted GLBTQ adult and, what’s more, it is possible to LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF THAT.  I show them that, even if their teachers or their religious leaders or their parents don’t understand, someone does.  For those children, I have come out and I am never going back again.

I’m responsible for the friends I have.  For all the out people I know who have support and are comfortable in their own skin, I know two that have truly struggled.  They, for whatever reason, have been ashamed of who they are.  There are spaces where they don’t have the option of being out.  When they meet the love of their life, when a state passes same-sex marriage, or even when they hear some interesting news on TV, they can’t call people because they don’t have that support.  For those people, I am a wall to lean on and a shoulder to cry on.  We are in the same fight together and by being honest about myself, I open my life, my ears, and my heart to them.  I stand together with them, hand in hand, pronouncing that yes, we are indeed family.  For those friends, I have come out and I am never going back again.

I’m responsible for the people I have yet to meet.  Every time someone sees me with my rainbow or Bi flag, they learn something about me.  They see that I am not scared to admit the truth.  There are people in this world who want to silence that truth.  They scream and they yell and they make laws against me and they threaten me, but I am still here.  They harm those who are like me, but we are still here.  When I admit my personal truth, I let others know that I am willing to take whatever it is they can dish, because I’d rather be a person of principle and honesty than a person who cowers in the shadows.  I am strong, those who are like me are strong, and we are NOT going away.  When the world is breaking you down, when people are trying to make you hate yourself, when it seems like you’re all alone, you need to know that there are others like you and, as a group, we will not be moved.  We exist and there’s NOTHING wrong with us.  For those strangers, both who are inspired by and fear my power, I have come out and I am never going back again.

Five years ago today, I was nothing but afraid.  I wanted to be open about myself, but it was such a heavy burden.  What would the world do to me?  What would my friends say to me?  What would my parents think of me?  Today, I stand tall and remember that bravery is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there is something more important than fear.  I live to be brave.  I live to look that scared little 20-something in the eye and tell her that she is fine and that she will make it through.  I live to show the world that they are fine and they will make it through.  Every breath I take, every sentence I speak, every word I type, comes from a bisexual woman.  Sometimes that matters, sometimes it doesn’t.  Whatever the case may be, that woman affects others.  That woman is responsible for how others think and feel.  For that reason and, most importantly, for myself, I am here today to say that, as long as I am alive, I will be true.  I have come out and I am never, ever, NEVER going back again.

Advertisement