You ever wake up and have something happen that just tells you that something is going to happen, a sign of some sort that indicates that you’re going in the right direction? That’s not a normal occurrence for me, but it did happen today. After going on a little bit last week about the subject, I pushed this aside until I could finish some other summer academic errands (week long class, hurrah…or something…). Anyway, as I prepared to continue explaining away bisexual stereotypes in our “Point of Clarification” series, I did what any person does right after they wake up next to a computer: I went on Facebook. There, I found this article on 10 Realistic Rules for Good Non-Monogamous Relationships (it’s mostly SFW, assuming you work in a place where you can read about polyamory). This, my friends, is exactly where I’d like to start off today. Thanks for the set-up, universe!
For those who don’t know, polyamory is a genre of relationship models in which more than two people are involved. This may involve an established couple having an open relationship, someone being involved in more than one relationship (casual, sexual, and/or long-term) at a time, members in a couple having other committed partners, and a range of other scenarios. Simply put, it is (as the article title suggests) non-monogamy. Polyamory can be very complicated and requires trust, honesty, fantastic communication skills, and a very high level of self-awareness (as the article shows). It is also, clearly, not for everyone. I lack any statistical proof, but my experience has shown me that most people are extremely uncomfortable with the idea and/or reality of polyamory. It goes against the norm, and, as a result, it ruffles some feathers. It gets accused of being the dalliance of the greedy, and gets followed around by terms such as “slut,” “shameful,” and “immoral.” Those terms should sound pretty familiar to some of us.
I’m not in the business of policing anyone else’s legal, consenting behavior. I’m about as monogamous as they come, but if polyamory is something that makes sense and works for you (and you’re being respectful to the other people involved and they to you), then I’ll leave you to your relationship. If it’s something you agree with or disagree with or have feelings on, fine. My goal is not to convince you one way or the other (as long as you’re not being rude). Today, my goal is to point out that, even though the same negative, hurtful words get thrown at the LGBTQ community as do the polyamorous one, and even though it may seem like a good fit, the words “polyamory” and “bisexuality” not only are not linked but should not be linked together.
I’ve heard the argument before. “But think about it,” they say, “if you’re attracted to multiple sexes, why wouldn’t you be in multiple relationships? That way, you get all the fulfillment you need!” First off, this goes against the aforementioned rules as it makes your relationship situation all about you. Second, if someone is truly bisexual and poly, they could end up in a situation with multiple men or women, not just one of each. Third,…just no. That’s not what it means to be bisexual. There’s no blanket form of attraction and love that says you have to have masculine and feminine at the same time. You are a person who has needs to go beyond what sex your partner is. If one person satisfies those needs, then you’re fine. If you and multiple people decide that that’s how you feel called to satisfy those needs, fine. But do not think that attraction to more than one sex automatically means relationships with more than one person.
Think of it as quality and quantity. Upon some self-reflection, we should be able to recognize some things about ourselves and figure out some basic wants/needs in a relationship, what will create for us the most high-quality relationship possible. For some of us, that high quality relationship comes from being with one human being (the right human being). A quantity of one provides a high-quality relationship. For others, that high quality relationship comes from acknowledging that being with one person can feel stifling or restrictive or possessive, and so multiple relationships of varying, appropriate sorts are formed. A quantity of more than one provides a high-quality relationship(s). The desire for a specific quantity is not tied to bisexuality anymore than an attraction to blondes, redheads, or brunettes is. A bisexual person could find a high-quality relationship with one person or with four, depending on that person. Monogamy vs. polyamory isn’t a factor dependent on sexual orientation; it’s just a factor in general.
When I say that monogamy vs. polyamory is a factor not dependent on orientation, I mean it. People sometimes try to (incorrectly) link it to bisexuality, but it’s simply not that simple. There are straight people and gay people who also practice polyamory. I’ve seen straight couples go to a bar and leave separately, having picked up two different opposite sex partners. I’ve met gay men whose boyfriends had boyfriends. Polyamory crosses over the lines of orientation. Do bisexual poly people exist? Of course they do, but so do straight poly and gay poly people. Linking polyamory to just one form of sexual orientation, especially if you have negative views of both, just further stereotypes without seeking clarification or honoring the real experiences of people. It’s not an either/or situation, or even a spectrum. It’s a three dimensional space, in which a person can identify the type of relationship(s) they want and who they want to have them with. It’s complex and interesting and beyond stereotype.
I have always been monogamous. Every relationship I’ve had, no matter how long, be it with a male or a female, has been monogamous. I have another friend who is both bisexual and in an open relationship. She calls her partner before anything happens with another person, she’s open and honest about her feelings and her experiences, and she’s open and honest with other people. Neither of us is doing bisexuality wrong. We are being honest with ourselves about the kind of relationship(s) we want to have, just as we at one point had to be honest with ourselves about our sexual orientation. We acknowledge these two parts of ourselves, realizing that one does not necessarily link to the other. We are healthy and we are happy even if we are not the same.
Pink, Purple, and Blues 
I like this one. In my mind, one of the worst situations someone can find themselves in is to be bisexual and in a monogamous relationship (although one can be gay and in such a relationship). I do agree, however, that one’s sexual orientation and their relationship status have nothing to do with each other; if anything, orientation can have an impact on their status because the relationship can be configured to accommodate an individual or couple’s desires in this.
What bisexuals realize at some point is that being monogamous isn’t going to work well when it comes to expressing their bisexuality; indeed, many bisexuals will defer their desires in favor of being monogamous, which is the conditioned behavior we’re all expected to adopt. Yes, without any doubt, being non-monogamous isn’t for just anyone and it’s seen as a bad thing to undertake because (a) monogamy is the required behavior and (b) people just get non-monogamy wrong – and there’s a reason why they do – but because more people get it wrong than get it right, well, a lot of negative adjectives get attached to it.
The easiest way to look at this – at least for me – is that relationships are only going to be as good as both people want it to be, or, they own the process of their relationship instead of working it by societal, monogamous standards, which are rather rigid and regimented. Anything non-monogamous that comes up isn’t necessarily about being bisexual because I know straight people who have open relationships, are swingers, or are polyamorous – it’s really all about what they need in order to make their relationship the best it can possibly be.
I think too many people have their heads stuck too far up their collective asses to see this clearly and objectively…
I don’t think that part of being bisexual is a realization that monogamy isn’t going to work in expressing bisexuality; I think that’s a realization for some people. Others (myself included) may have no problem in expressing their bisexuality while also being in a monogamous relationship. I’ve never had a problem in articulating my sexual identity in the ways that I want and being committed to one person (but I also feel very called and comfortable in monogamy). Others may feel stifled in a monogamous relationship and being poly may be for them. That’s great for them. I just think that, for some, monogamy does not mean a stifling of expression of true self. As long as you’re doing what makes sense for you and aren’t hurting anyone (including yourself), both ways seem fine.
It is if the bisexual has no idea how to express themselves; most people are of the mind that if they’re bisexual, they have to do something about it, namely, go do the sex which, of course, being monogamous doesn’t allow. It’s a real mess because the ‘logical’ solution is to not be monogamous… but that usually means breaking up rather than taking the relationship in another direction, right?
If the other person is straight and a true believer in monogamy, going off the reservation ain’t gonna happen and in any of this, it begs an important question: Who’s desires in this is the most important, the one who has that deep need to explore their sexuality or the one who believes that monogamy is the only thing to ever be done?
Obviously, there’s a problem here and the problem gets complicated if, it can be assumed – that these two people do love each other and breaking up isn’t a viable solution for them.
What do you do?
That is indeed a complicated (and very real dilemma). It is, however, not what I’m referring to. A person has a type (or multiple types) of people they are attracted to, be it mentally, emotionally, physically, or sexually. That is their sexual orientation. Their expression of that may be sexual, or it may be not. If the sole way for a bisexual to express themselves is by having sex, then I’ve never expressed my bisexuality. I have, however, fallen in love and been in relationships with both men and women. I have been honest to the world about all those relationships. While I was in them (and as I am in one now), I was happy with the person I was with and did not feel as if I was lacking something by not being with a person of the opposite sex of my partner. In the cases of straight men and lesbians, we talked about our attractions to other women while never really wanting to do anything about those attractions. In the cases of bisexuals, we talked about our attractions to males and females without ever really wanting to do anything about those attractions. In most of those relationships, both I and my partner genuinely wanted to be monogamous and felt as if we were truly and fully expressing ourselves. In one relationship, I wanted to be monogamous and my lesbian girlfriend was poly by nature, and that was one of the reasons we broke up.
It is fine if a person feels that they need to be poly in order to fully express their bisexuality. I’m just saying that there are ALSO people who feel that they can express themselves (especially considering that expressing one’s bisexuality is not limited to the bedroom) and also be monogamous. Both exist.
Oh, I agree 100%. I would say that the, ah, more disciplined bisexual learns that they can express their sexuality without the physicality; you know you can do the sex but you don’t have to. Doing the nasty is a knee-jerk reaction; I feel this way so that means I have to do something about the way I feel.
You can feel any way you care to feel… but what you can do about it, if anything, is something very different. Monogamy, with all its rules and restrictions, can’t really stop a person, straight or otherwise, from feeling whatever it is they feel for others. It tries to – plenty examples of this that can be seen – but it really cannot displace affection or desire for others, regardless of orientation, preference, whatever one cares to call it.
The real problem here is trying to generalize states of relationship as they may apply to sexual orientation and, personally, I think this is a mistake; these things aren’t cause and effect, in that sense, because people deal with their sexuality and their relationship state in manners that are unique to their understanding.
But, begging your forgiveness, you didn’t answer the question of what do you do? I am interested in your thoughts on this one. Seriously.
I actually don’t know if I have a real answer to that question. Both people have valid points and legitimate feelings. If one person is truly mono and one person truly poly, I don’t think there’s an easy solution to that. Either you break up, acknowledging that love isn’t enough to compensate for such a difference, or you sit down and have a real talk about who is most comfortable compromising. I don’t know (and don’t think) that’s a viable permanent solution, but everyone is different and I won’t deny the possibility for someone to pull that off. The one relationship I had with a poly person worked out fine when we both felt fulfilled, but eventually her poly nature made her feel smothered and trapped and my mono nature made me feel panicked and abandoned. It led to a cycle of her clawing for space and me trying to grab her back. I honestly don’t know if it’s possible.
My opinion is, of course, skewed by my experience. What are your thoughts?
There are two answers to the question. You hit on one – dissolve the relationship. The other answer, which is the more difficult one, is to change the relationship. There is a huge degree of selfishness based on belief going on with this and, again, sexuality doesn’t always have something to do with this but since we’re talking about this, fine.
You are mono-oriented, your girlfriend not so much. You broke up but that wasn’t the only solution available, was it? You couldn’t do it her way, she couldn’t do it your way but the ‘obvious’ solution that would have avoided the breakup was compromise, shaping the relationship in a way that both people can be happy with themselves and each other but without putting the relationship in jeopardy.
True, there’s no easy solution… but there is a solution albeit a very scary one. Even better, if things don’t fit into an existing solution, one can be created and designed specifically for the couple in question – but it’s easier to break up than to resolve the issue without having to do that.
I love this discussion because it does point out where sex, sexuality, and desires can affect a relationship but how they’re often unrelated because this is really a relationship issue, sexuality notwithstanding; that only makes the situation a lot more interesting and a bit more difficult.
So… you have to ask yourself which is more important? What you believe to be right… or your love and relationship with the person you’re with? Love, in and of itself, knows no boundaries EXCEPT for the ones we put in place – say, what you believe as opposed to what I believe and keeping in mind that we’re both bisexuals and let’s say we’re having a relationship.
To this end, it’s not really about me and it’s not really about you… but it is about US and what we need to make and keep us happy as a whole and not just at the individual level. Not saying this isn’t important but perhaps you can see how your post is more about individual needs than the needs of the whole – but this is the way most people behave.
If you came to me, in our hypothetical relationship, and told me that you needed to have a girlfriend so that you could have that which I could never give you, because I love you and your happiness is my responsibility, I tell you, okay baby, do what you gotta do and if I have any reservations, I make them known to you then. Because it’s about happiness and you being the person you feel you need to be and if I can facilitate that, well, why not? It’s win/win because if you’re happy, then your happiness spills over to me, doesn’t it?
I could, however, be selfish and even though, as a bisexual, I understand your needs in this. I could tell you to go straight to hell and end what was, up to this point, a damned good relationship… and because I’m thinking about my own ass and not being concerned with what WE need.
See, I understand this… but there are a lot of people who can’t or won’t even try to understand it. They’d rather let something like their partner’s sexuality or their affinity for others destroy the relationship; they’d rather see all the negatives, the things they don’t believe in put barriers between the love they say they need and crave.
Which begs the question, “Does this make sense?” If you could change it, would you? Most people would say ‘no’ to this question, wouldn’t they?
For us, breaking up was the only option. For her to go do whatever she wanted would’ve made her happy, but it would’ve hurt me. For me to ask that we both be monogamous would’ve made me happy, but hurt her. We were hurting each other. We would’ve hurt each other.
Let’s talk about two relationships: the hypothetical one you proposed and the one I’m currently in (which is with another bisexual). Let’s reverse things and say that you came up to me and said that you needed to have a boyfriend to give you what I cannot. Part of me wants you to be happy, but part of me knows that seeing you with another person, even if I tried to be noble, would tear me up inside. Our relationship would cease to be one of mutual love and understanding because I would constantly be suppressing my pain in the name of your happiness. I could love you very much, but as my mother says, love is more than a notion. It isn’t just about societal restrictions or boundaries, it’s literally that you need a different kind of love than I can give. If I love you, I have to acknowledge that and if you love me you have to realize that, whether you like or understand it (or deem it selfish), my pain is real and something you are doing is causing it. That’s not a healthy relationship, no matter how much we love each other. We aren’t on the same page, we wouldn’t be communicating and acknowledging each other, and it wouldn’t work. Our (you and I) relationship would be doomed.
The relationship I’m currently in is also composed of two bisexuals, both of whom are mono oriented. We work out for a number of reasons, one of which is that we agree on what kind of relationship we want to have. We’re open and honest about our feelings, we communicate, and we both agree to be with only each other (and both only want to be with one another).
You are right, though, in that there aren’t just two options. There are indeed relationships in which one person is mono and the other poly and they work, usually because the mono person doesn’t mind if the poly person goes and does their thing. They only want to be in that one relationship, but they don’t mind if the poly person does their thing. I’ve also seen it where the poly person just felt comfortable with the mono person and left well enough alone. I think it’s really important to know what you can handle and how you feel. I don’t think it’s selfish to know that seeing your partner with someone else would bother you (for a number of reasons), nor do I think it’s selfish to want to be with multiple people even if your partner does not want that. You’re in a relationship, which means both people have to sign off on the arrangement. If you can handle whatever the orientations are, great, but if one or both of you cannot, then it might be an insurmountable issue.
People adjust to the situation they’re in; some know there are other options but some firmly believe there are no other options. How one handles their sexuality and their relationship depends on a lot of stuff; you can either do it the way they say it should be done or, if you can, do it some other way that works… if you can do it, if you can unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationship so you can learn something else.
See, the reason why you’d not want to give me what I want has nothing to do with whatever’s gonna make me happy – it’s all about what’s gonna make you feel bad in whatever way it does. So, what usually happens? Either I never get what I want or we wind up breaking up and all because you can’t get your head around it – and this is how people normally behave so don’t feel badly about this. All I’m saying is that I know that it doesn’t have to end like that and, again, begs a question: Which is more important – the things WE can do together or those things that you don’t like?
We know what most people would say to this, don’t we? So, no, sexuality isn’t the driving factor here. People do link sexuality to non-monogamous behavior but while this does happen, sexuality isn’t the reason why people are non-monogamous – it’s really about being able to have their cake and eat it, too, and be happy with each other at the same time.
Impossible to do? Nah, not really – it’s just very difficult to do. I really enjoyed our dialog – keep writing inspiring stuff!
It’s not about what I like or don’t like; it’s about how I feel. If the things we can do together cause me pain (not because I like or don’t like them, but because that’s actually how I feel). There’s lots of stuff in a partner I wouldn’t like but that I could live with because it doesn’t hurt me. This does, and it’s not fair to say that the reason the relationship would end is because the mono person “doesn’t like” that the person is poly or that they’re “being selfish.” One could also say that it’s selfish to think that a mono-oriented person should let the happiness of their partner be the reason for staying in the relationship; if it hurts, it hurts. That’s not selfishness; that’s honesty.
I’m glad you’ve been enjoying the blog! Next post should be up this weekend.
Oh heavens, this conversation is painful. It’s lovely to see it happening in such a civil manner, but kdaddy23, I think you’re really missing something here.
I am a bisexual woman. My first sexual relationship was with a bisexual man who did not like rules or labels. He never called himself “polyamorous” but that would be the best descriptor for the sake of this conversation. He was (is… he is still a friend) very smart, very charismatic, and very convincing, and I was young, inexperienced, and very much in love with him. He made a very compelling case for polyamory being the more logical, more desirable, more *moral and ethical* mode of relationship, and very convincingly characterized monogamy (or more accurately, relationships of exclusive commitment) as selfish, illogical, immature, and unenlightened. I was convinced. I wanted to be convinced. But I didn’t want any other partners, I only wanted him. I wasn’t putting any rules on myself, I wasn’t suppressing any desires. I found other people attractive, but my only real desire was for this man. This was not the case for him, and he had multiple other partners, people who became part of my life as they came into his. I was friends with these other people. I considered them family. I pretended that it didn’t tear me up inside that he was romantically involved with others when I only wanted to be with him, when I wanted nothing more than to provide love and security to him and to receive it in return in equal measure. I couldn’t help but feel that I loved him much more than he loved me, and his insistence that such thinking was weakness and non-enlightenment on my part didn’t help to quell those feelings, they only made me feel rotten about myself, which made me cling even more desperately to this man whom I loved, grateful that he even kept me around given how horrible and selfish I was.
I truly believe that this was not intentional on his part. He was also young, and though his life experience in many ways outstripped mine by quite a lot, he was still lacking in a certain emotional maturity that comes with age and experience. The logic of it made sense, and we were “smart” people, and smart people know that logic trumps emotion, or should. But while he was expressing his desires and needs, I was shriveling up inside. I desperately wanted to make it work, but I couldn’t. And now that I am older, I am able to accept that I am not built for polyamory. It does not work for my emotional makeup. I need to be with someone whom I know loves me back as much as I love them, and I am currently with a partner whom I never have to doubt in that score. Now I know what true relationship is… and it requires being on the same page. Some things can be solved through compromise. Some things, for some people, cannot. That is not selfish, that is knowing oneself well enough to know what one needs, and not being ashamed to be honest enough with oneself and one’s partner about it.
/storytime